10 of the best things about my definitely excellent decision to live in an RV for a year with my family

1 ) I now understand the “Shitter’s full!” joke from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation from a whole new perspective! Unfortunately, that perspective is Randy Quaid’s.

2) The small space we all inhabit really makes me appreciate this special and unique time we’re sharing together. Not only are we in a close space, like a very, very close space, but we all get to be together, all the time.

I also hate my family now.

3) We get to learn about the people of the U.S.! For example, I didn’t know anything about RV culture, but it turns out that A LOT of people in RV parks fly excessively large American flags, and many of them also fly flags that say things like “don’t tread on me,” or have “blue lives matter” stickers on their trucks. I find it inspiring to see them expressing their beliefs openly. They have inspired me to express my beliefs openly too. Mostly with the use of my middle finger, a box of matches, and my bare ass.

4) By embarking on this adventure, we have forced ourselves to live with very few possessions. It is funny though how there’s still just, everyone’s shoes. Everywhere. All the time.

5) Most RV parks have free wi-fi! We haven’t yet experienced RV park wi-fi that works of course, because it never works. Not ever. But what a nice gesture!

6) My kids are having a very nontraditional school experience this year, and I’m already seeing the results. Their stress level is lower, they get more individual attention in “class,” and so much of their education is outdoors and experiential. They do miss their friends and social lives though, so I’m looking into religious cults and anti-vax groups we can join so they can socialize and fit in with the other homeschool kids we meet along the way.

7) I have learned a lot about RV stuff, which makes me feel badass. For example, I have learned how to empty our own shit via a tube. I also learned recently that if you accidentally flush the toilet for too long, thereby leaving the portal to hell the shit-tank open, you will be treated to the noxious smell of the inside of the shit tube. If you open the bathroom door to try to flee in this situation, your whole living space and people in it will be drenched in the stench of what seems to be all the piss and shit that’s ever been and your family will cry “whyyyyy” and beg for death.

8) On the topic of shit, did you know pee and poop do not flow uphill? It’s science! We learned this the hardest way, and I don’t want to talk about it.

9) We have cute little cupboards to hold our stuff, which adds an element of excitement because every time we open a cupboard after driving, something unexpected falls out! Sometimes things even fall right onto someone’s body. We all have a good laugh once we’ve cleaned up the blood.

10) We have a bathroom that’s not even that small for a trailer! We have a shower and adorable bathtub, which I believe must have been designed for the washing of small birds and mammals. The thing about the shower, though, is that I am tall and the shower is not. Due to this imbalance, I have to contort my body to get my head wet, which feels dangerous, like one of these times I will lose my balance and kind of slowly roll out of the tub, getting wrapped up in the clinging shower curtain like a fuckin lady burrito.

I cannot wait to find out what other new joys this trip brings!

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

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