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1.) Napkin rings: How about throwing in some American flag napkin rings for your next dinner party? They’re subtle and tasteful, but everyone will enjoy discovering how patriotic you are when they sit down at the table.

2.) Pets: Pets are the purrfect way to show your patriotism! Now make sure your pet is a pure-blooded American or this is all just a dog and pony show. Oh! A pony would be great for this!

All you have to do is dye your pet’s fur in the pattern of the flag. Make sure you get the correct number of stars…

Photo by goandgo on Flickr

In the book I just finished — Hollow Kingdom by Kira Jane Buxton — she refers to the “black tide.” It’s a metaphor for the depression the animal characters can sink into in their post-apocalyptic world. This isn’t a post-apocalyptic world quite yet, but the black tide is real, and I’m stuck in it.

I am, as I have always been, lost. This is especially true in the world of money-making and career-not-having, but applies to every second of every day of my life, except for the occasional and fleeting moments of joy or focus. …

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Some time during our COVID lockdown, my son and I started speaking to each other in baby voices. My son is not a baby. He turned 11 last month, which, he is quick to remind me, makes him a tween.

My child has always loved word play and nothing makes him laugh harder than mis-spoken, mis-used or mis-placed words. This explains why the thing he repeats most often in his baby voice is “Why is Mama is so mean?” I respond with something equally ridiculous and we laugh, as if to say, why are we like this?

I love this…

Hi, It’s Me, The Easter Bunny, and I Need You to Know How Annoying Jesus is

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Hi. I’m the Easter Bunny. As you probably know, I share a holiday with Jesus Christ. I am a symbol of fertility, which makes perfect sense for a springtime holiday, and Jesus is the guy who “rose from the dead.” He also claims to be a carpenter, but one time he built me a bookcase and it was mostly duct tape.

Jesus and I have a relationship that can best be described by the term frenemies. And that’s generous, because I don’t like him. And it’s not because I have to share a holiday with him. I’d be totally down…

Rest In Peace, Papi

Papillon was a jungle cat when they found him. That’s not a metaphor. That curious, lithe little guy with the fierce vampire-like teeth actually lived in the wild in Costa Rica. One day he walked onto my brother and sister-in-law’s property, they formed a mutual attachment, and that was the adoption process. They named him Papillon, or butterfly in French. A perfect name for a being who flitted around with a childlike sense of wonder.

(They did discover much later that he was someone else’s cat and they were like oops haha, but they never considered giving him back. …

Wait what (Image by Alexandra_Koch on

From: principal@jeffersonelementary

Date: March 1, 2021 at 9:14 AM PST

To: undisclosed-recipients

Subject: Hybrid Learning

Dear parents and guardians of our wonderful students,

We are pleased to announce that, despite the many challenges of this situation, our school will be transitioning to a hybrid model of learning beginning on March 15th. Your child has been assigned to Cohort A, which will be in-person school on Mondays and Thursdays, from 8:40am to 2:02pm. Look how specific that time is! We’ve really done a great job with this whole thing.

Thank you very much, and we look forward to seeing your child’s…

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There’s been a lot of coverage about the Trump “protestors” who showed up outside a building in Arizona and chanted “Count! The! Votes!” while inside the building, at that exact moment, votes were being counted. But not all of the protests have been well publicized.

Here are a few other places Trump supporters have gathered in solidarity to protest:

1. Olympia, WA: Denny’s.

The chant: Cook! The! Food!

Result: A Denny’s employee came out to inform them that they were, in fact, busily cooking the food. The crowd cheered, high-fived, and took credit for this. …

This canoe was a bad choice.

Image by alondav on Pixabay

When I first heard the call to political boating, I figured we were going to storm the shores of DC, or fight proud boys with fists and fury… or at least have a kickass party in international waters, where I understand there are no laws. I may be in international waters currently, I have no way to tell because I have no fucking idea where I am.

I did think it was odd when everyone in my virtual political science class started chanting “Boat! Boat! Boat!” and in retrospect, it’s clear to me that they were saying “Vote.”

After class…

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Last week we found out that 545 children who were separated from their parents at the border have parents who cannot currently be found. I just spent a bunch of time writing a whole essay about the Trump administration’s policy of family separation at the border, how horrific and cruel it is, and all about how the U.S. has always been racist. But it all feels trite at this point. It’s nothing new. Mostly I just can’t stop thinking about those parents and children.

Parenthood, especially in the context of a pandemic, is an exhausting daily grind for many of…

If a guy in a van stops you on the street and asks for your bones, SAY NO.

It’s a bone-ified chin scratcher.

Get plenty of calcium. You can get calcium from leafy greens, chia seeds, and sidewalk rocks.

Load-bearing exercise. No one really knows what this means. Being a woman in this world is a pretty big load to bear, so maybe that will suffice. Or it could have something to do with bearing children, or loading Build-a-Bears into something. It’s probably the Build-a-Bear thing.

If a guy in a van stops you on the street and asks for your bones, SAY NO. …

Jen Freymond

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

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