Published in The Belladonna Comedy·PinnedLyrics John Mellencamp Considered Before Landing on “Suckin’ on a Chili Dog Outside the Tastee Freeze”They’re shaped like dicks. — Sucklin’ on a big bratwurst Outside the Burger King Slurpin’ on some sausage links Outside the Dairy Queen Guzzlin’ down some churros Outside the LL Bean Gulpin’ up a corndog Outside the Lean Cuisine Gaggin’ on a popsicle On the porch of Olive Garden Eatin’ a banana… Something something Jamba Juice…Humor2 min read
Jun 1Kirk Cameron is Right, Putting My Body in the Line of Gunfire to Protect Children is Part of My Left-Wing AgendaAh, dang it. Kirk Cameron is right again. I can’t believe that guy hasn’t gotten raptured yet. Now he’s speaking truth to power about public schools. As a public school educator, I can’t stay quiet anymore. …Satire3 min read
May 5“We’re a Bunch of Dick-Faced Fuck-Dongs–”A New Leaked Document from the Desk of Samuel AlitoThe contents of the new leaked document are as follows: We, the conservative wing of the Supreme Court, hold that Roe v. Wade must be overturned. Additionally, we hold that we are a bunch of rat fuck suck shits. Americans hold starkly conflicting views on abortion. Some fervently believe that…Satire2 min read
Published in The Belladonna Comedy·Apr 26What I Assume Your Inner Monologue is Based on Number of Medium Claps You Give MeI’ve got you right where I want you now. — 50: I appreciate this piece of writing you contributed to the world. It made me laugh, or I learned something, or I thought about something in a new way. Thank you. 49: I appreciate this piece of writing you contributed to the world, but I accidentally lifted my finger before…Satire3 min read
Nov 10, 2021As a Republican, I’m Just Hoping the Abortion Ban Can Help Even Out this COVID Death RateArticle for reference: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/11/08/briefing/covid-death-toll-red-america.html I just saw a headline in the New York Times — don’t worry, I wasn’t reading it, I just glanced over the shoulder of the person in front of me in the security line — and that headline said something about how a lot of people…Republicans4 min read
Sep 11, 2021“Never Forget.”It’s 9/11 so let’s talk about “never forgetting.” I will never forget the horror of that day and imagining being trapped in one of the towers or on one of those planes. I will never forget how this country squandered an opportunity to do something positive for the world as…9 11 Attacks2 min read
Sep 4, 2021Hold On.Things feel hopeless right now, I know. There’s never been a shortage of dark shit going on in the world, but this current time is the darkest in my lifetime. The kind of darkness I couldn’t have imagined as a younger person. It feels like we’re in the midst of…Pandemic4 min read
Published in Slackjaw·Jul 28, 2021Could Someone Help Me Out Of This Well?Wow, thank you all for the birthday wishes on Facebook! I especially loved the gif of the cat in the party hat that Roger posted. That cat looks so unenthusiastic. It’s hilarious. Incidentally, I’m not feeling all that enthusiastic about being at the bottom of this well. I don’t mean…Humor4 min read
Published in 2 Ho Ho Ho’s·Jul 4, 202110 Unique Ways to Use the American Flag to Prove Your Superior Patriotism This 4th of July!1.) Napkin rings: How about throwing in some American flag napkin rings for your next dinner party? They’re subtle and tasteful, but everyone will enjoy discovering how patriotic you are when they sit down at the table. 2.) Pets: Pets are the purrfect way to show your patriotism! Now make…Humor4 min read