Hi. I’m the Easter Bunny. As you probably know, I share a holiday with Jesus Christ. I am a symbol of fertility, which makes perfect sense for a springtime holiday, and Jesus is the guy who “rose from the dead.” He also claims to be a carpenter, but one time he built me a bookcase and it was mostly duct tape.
Jesus and I have a relationship that can best be described by the term frenemies. And that’s generous, because I don’t like him. And it’s not because I have to share a holiday with him. I’d be totally down…
Papillon was a jungle cat when they found him. That’s not a metaphor. That curious, lithe little guy with the fierce vampire-like teeth actually lived in the wild in Costa Rica. One day he walked onto my brother and sister-in-law’s property, they formed a mutual attachment, and that was the adoption process. They named him Papillon, or butterfly in French. A perfect name for a being who flitted around with a childlike sense of wonder.
(They did discover much later that he was someone else’s cat and they were like oops haha, but they never considered giving him back. …
Date: March 1, 2021 at 9:14 AM PST
Subject: Hybrid Learning
Dear parents and guardians of our wonderful students,
We are pleased to announce that, despite the many challenges of this situation, our school will be transitioning to a hybrid model of learning beginning on March 15th. Your child has been assigned to Cohort A, which will be in-person school on Mondays and Thursdays, from 8:40am to 2:02pm. Look how specific that time is! We’ve really done a great job with this whole thing.
Thank you very much, and we look forward to seeing your child’s…
There’s been a lot of coverage about the Trump “protestors” who showed up outside a building in Arizona and chanted “Count! The! Votes!” while inside the building, at that exact moment, votes were being counted. But not all of the protests have been well publicized.
Here are a few other places Trump supporters have gathered in solidarity to protest:
1. Olympia, WA: Denny’s.
The chant: Cook! The! Food!
Result: A Denny’s employee came out to inform them that they were, in fact, busily cooking the food. The crowd cheered, high-fived, and took credit for this. …
When I first heard the call to political boating, I figured we were going to storm the shores of DC, or fight proud boys with fists and fury… or at least have a kickass party in international waters, where I understand there are no laws. I may be in international waters currently, I have no way to tell because I have no fucking idea where I am.
I did think it was odd when everyone in my virtual political science class started chanting “Boat! Boat! Boat!” and in retrospect, it’s clear to me that they were saying “Vote.”
Last week we found out that 545 children who were separated from their parents at the border have parents who cannot currently be found. I just spent a bunch of time writing a whole essay about the Trump administration’s policy of family separation at the border, how horrific and cruel it is, and all about how the U.S. has always been racist. But it all feels trite at this point. It’s nothing new. Mostly I just can’t stop thinking about those parents and children.
Parenthood, especially in the context of a pandemic, is an exhausting daily grind for many of…
Get plenty of calcium. You can get calcium from leafy greens, chia seeds, and sidewalk rocks.
Load-bearing exercise. No one really knows what this means. Being a woman in this world is a pretty big load to bear, so maybe that will suffice. Or it could have something to do with bearing children, or loading Build-a-Bears into something. It’s probably the Build-a-Bear thing.
If a guy in a van stops you on the street and asks for your bones, SAY NO. …
I started a new/old job recently. After leaving the classroom five years ago, I have returned to part-time teaching. I am a special education teacher, which means I generally serve the kids with the greatest needs. I also serve the kids who tend to be the most affected by systemic racism and oppression.
I didn’t want to go back to teaching, but I needed a job. I started my MSW a couple years ago but can’t bring myself to go back to school right now and rack up more debt while not making any money. So here we are.
(Sometime during the interminable year of no one’s lord, 2020)
It’s a weird and scary time, huh? I can barely get myself to do anything at all, especially when it comes to “homeschooling” the kids. I think I’m depressed.:(
Anyway, I would love to hear how you are!
I haven’t showered since Tuesday.
Great to hear from you! And hey, NO judgment! How are we expected to be productive right now?
I’ve hardly done anything for homeschooling this week either, just had the kids create…
I went to the doctor today for a leg injury. I hurt myself playing a Nintendo game. Yup! You read that right. I’m a 42-year-old woman who hurt the fuck out of her leg playing Nintendo. To be fair, the game is an exercise game. I was jogging in place when it happened. But regardless of how embarrassing the injury is, I went to the doctor because it’s been several days and it still hurts. He did some doctor stuff and said i had inflammation in a bunch of places and that the leg thing was probably a muscle spasm…
Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond