An Open Letter to Everyone Who Responded to My “Open Letter to Everyone Giving Me Advice About My Depression” by Giving Me Advice About My Depression

( Original letter can be found here: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-everyone-sharing-their-wisdom-about-how-to-cure-my-depression )

Oh, you.

You generous souls.

My old, cynical self would never have believed that all I needed was some more unsolicited advice from entirely unqualified strangers on the internet, but thank goodness I’ve shed that cynicism and opened myself up to your wisdom by sharing my email address in my writer’s bio.

Of course I’m still using your previously suggested strategies, especially the use of turmeric, by which I mean sticking it right in my asshole. In fact, I’ve been inserting it into several of my other holes as well. The itching and burning have not improved, but you know what has? My depression.

After my last letter, many of you quick-witted critical thinkers suggested to me that the anti-depressants I was taking were actually causing my depression. Duh! Why didn’t I think of that? I guess depression makes you stupid too! So, I stopped taking that Big Pharma poison and what do you know? After a couple months of unbearable headaches, a couple weeks of hospitalization, and some truly frightening hallucinations, I’m drug free! I lost my job though, because of course I couldn’t keep working when I stopped my…