I went to this show!

Nicole

CONTENT WARNING: Suicide of a teenager with explicit details.

We’ve been listening to ’90s music today — we were listening to R.E.M. because I couldn’t get one of their songs out of my damn head (yes, that one), and then I had a sudden longing to hear The Smashing Pumpkins. I fell in love with this band at age 15 because the boy I was in love with at the time was in love with them. I listened to Gish and I was in. This was just before they really exploded. You know, when they were still cool and we didn’t know Billy Corgan was a total douche.

Today we listened to Siamese Dream, the album that made them the alt rock powerhouse they became, and the album that came out just after I had been introduced to them.

I was fine until the very end, but then “Disarm” started playing. My heart ached and tears stung my eyes. I couldn’t hold them back, and they flowed in salty rivers over my cheeks. The power of music to make us feel, to return us to a time and place, and to force us, for better or worse, to remember, never fails to stun me. This was 26 years ago and I still have an overwhelming rush of emotion when I hear these songs. I am 15 years old again, and it’s 1993.

I had no idea what was coming, but it turned out that 1993 was the year that would ultimately throw everything into chaos and permanently alter the trajectory of my life. That summer I ran away from…