I am terrified of what my children will remember of me.
I have been as honest as I can be with them.
I have a sickness in my brain that I am taking care of but sometimes it makes me tired and sad and it is NOT your fault.
But of course, they are children and while they can understand this logically, my actions don’t always line up with my words.
Sometimes I throw my hands up and say “fuck it.” Sometimes I am so angry or irritable I cannot conceal it. Sometimes I cannot help crying, and sometimes I can’t get up.
Children in these situations naturally feel that everything is their fault. I know that when I am distant from them, they feel unlovable. I know that when I am sad they wonder what they did or if they can fix it, no matter how many times I tell them it is not their job. Sometimes we make each other feel like shit.
My partner and I fight a lot. It’s the thing we said we wouldn’t do in front of them, but we’ve failed. We’ve always had what my college friend who has known us since the beginning described as a “volatile” relationship. We love each other, but after 20 years have still not learned to communicate in a healthy way a lot of the time. We try to be better people for our children, but maybe we are just children ourselves. When we remember, we try to apologize in front of…
