Excerpts from the First Judiciary Committee Hearing (in case you missed it)

Yesterday the House Judiciary Committee held their first impeachment hearing, with representatives questioning four constitutional scholars: Professors Karlan, Gerhardt, Feldman, and Turley.

Andy Biggs (R-Arizona): I would like to speak at length about the pronoun we and whether it was the royal we or the, uh, non-royal we, also known as the commoners we. How do you feel about that, Mr. Feldman? Is that impeachable Mr. Feldman?

Professor Feldman: I’m sorry what

Biggs: You said you weren’t for impeachment but then new evidence was brought to light and you changed your tune didn’t you!

Feldman: Yes. Because of evidence.

Biggs: Ha! I gotcha! Yeah, all of you came in here today with your minds made up. You came in here with a bias toward reality and facts, and that’s just not fair to those of us who live here in Wonderland. Oh! There’s the Cheshire Cat! Did you see him, Doug? I swear I saw him!

Feldman: I… this actually seems saner to me than denying the glaring evidence against the president, so, here we are I guess.

Debbie Lesko (R-AZ): I’d like to start by making the ridiculous statement that the American people are being traumatized by this impeachment process because I do not understand what trauma is.

I would then like to enter into the record: a letter. It’s a love letter I wrote that was never responded to and I want it in the official record.

Chairman Nadler: Debbie, I told you not to bring this up here.

Lesko: Well where am I supposed to bring it up, Jerry? If you won’t answer my calls or respond to my sexts!

Nadler: You are suspended.

Lesko: Suspended from your heart, Jerry! That’s what you really mean! (Lesko takes a large swig from a flask.)

Professor Gerhardt: If what this president did is not impeachable, then nothing is impeachable.

Turley: I don’t think we want to set the precedent that you can impeach a president solely based on the testimony of multiple highly credible witnesses or things the president literally said in front of the entire nation.

Gerhardt: I’m sorry what

Turley: Someday I’m going to write a book about how wrong I was about this and it’s going to sell SO MANY COPIES.

Gerhardt: I think I see the Cheshire Cat.

Tim McClintock (R-CA): Would all of you on this panel please raise your hand if you voted for Trump.

Karlan: We don’t have to do that, that’s —

McClintock: I SAID RAISE YOUR HAND.

Feldman: Uh, no.

Chairman Nadler: The gentleman can ask the question and the panelists do not have to answer it.

Gerhardt: What’s the point then —

McClintock: OK RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU VOTED FOR TRUMP.

(No one raises their hands.)

Feldman: Our un-raised hands are not an answer, sir.

McClintock: Well shit, this backfired. HOAX! FAKE NEWS!

OK, I yield back, I just needed to make sure Hannity could get a clean clip. By the way, you ever notice how stupid people are?

Matt Gaetz (R-Florida): Professor Karlan, on Decrembler 47th, 1562, did you say, “Conservatives spread out because they don’t even want to be around themselves?”

Professor Karlan: Yes I did. Also did you say Decrembler —

Gaetz: Well can you see how that might make conservatives feel like you have contempt for us?

Karlan: Well, if I could just explain the conte —

Gaetz: Do you see how that might hurt people’s feelings and that you are a filthy bog witch?

Karlan: I would like to explain what I was talking about and did you say bog

Gaetz: NO! YOU DO NOT GET TO INTERRUPT ME ON THIS! I HAVE HURT FEELINGS!

(crying) I AM SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING MY FRAGILE MALE EGO WOUNDED BY WOMEN WHO ARE SMARTER THAN ME AND WHITE RABBITS WHO NEVER INVITE ME TO THEIR PARTIES!

Karlan…k.

Gaetz: ARE YOU AND ELIZABETH WARREN IN A COVEN TOGETHER? IS THAT WHY YOU GAVE HER MONEY? LET THE RECORD SHOW THAT SHE IS A WITCH AND SHOULD BE BUR —

Chairman Nadler: (gavels much more softly than he should have) Mr. Gaetz, that is offensive and this is highly unusual and inappro —

Gaetz: (sobbing) MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE WOULD THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

(Gaetz stands up, revealing himself to be naked from the waist down. There is a collective audible gasp across the entire country. He then kicks his own chair over and runs, wailing, from the room.)

Karlan: What a fucking baby.

(resounding applause.)

*image from a Raw Story article written by Sky Palma: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.rawstory.com/2019/11/youre-oddly-submissive-matt-gaetz-mocked-after-raging-at-georgias-governor-for-defying-trump/amp/

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Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

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