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Hi, It’s Me, The Easter Bunny, and I Need You to Know How Annoying Jesus is
Hi. I’m the Easter Bunny. As you probably know, I share a holiday with Jesus Christ. I am a symbol of fertility, which makes perfect sense for a springtime holiday, and Jesus is the guy who “rose from the dead.” He also claims to be a carpenter, but one time he built me a bookcase and it was mostly duct tape.
Jesus and I have a relationship that can best be described by the term frenemies. And that’s generous, because I don’t like him. And it’s not because I have to share a holiday with him. I’d be totally down with sharing! It’s just that he’s really fucking annoying.
Why couldn’t I share a holiday with Buddha or something? I hear he’s pretty chill.
First let’s be clear: Dude did not rise from the dead. I repeat: No matter what he tells you, Jesus absolutely did not drag his Very Dead corpse up from the depths of his final resting place to parade it around. He is messing with you. Jesus is just a plain old ghost. An especially irritating, otherwise run-of-the-mill spectre.
My biggest problem with Jesus is that he loves pulling pranks that are only funny to him. For example, he keeps going around cracking himself up by inserting his face on inanimate objects, like toast and that birthmark on your butt cheek, just to get some attention and…
