Hi, It’s Me, The Easter Bunny, and I Need You to Know How Annoying Jesus is

image from pixabay.com

Hi. I’m the Easter Bunny. As you probably know, I share a holiday with Jesus Christ. I am a symbol of fertility, which makes perfect sense for a springtime holiday, and Jesus is the guy who “rose from the dead.” He also claims to be a carpenter, but one time he built me a bookcase and it was mostly duct tape.

Jesus and I have a relationship that can best be described by the term frenemies. And that’s generous, because I don’t like him. And it’s not because I have to share a holiday with him. I’d be totally down with sharing! It’s just that he’s really fucking annoying.

Why couldn’t I share a holiday with Buddha or something? I hear he’s pretty chill.

First let’s be clear: Dude did not rise from the dead. I repeat: No matter what he tells you, Jesus absolutely did not drag his Very Dead corpse up from the depths of his final resting place to parade it around. He is messing with you. Jesus is just a plain old ghost. An especially irritating, otherwise run-of-the-mill spectre.

My biggest problem with Jesus is that he loves pulling pranks that are only funny to him. For example, he keeps going around cracking himself up by inserting his face on inanimate objects, like toast and that birthmark on your butt cheek, just to get some attention and bask in the glow of the havoc he has wreaked. But people use this as undeniable proof that he is real and hath risen, or whatever. It sucks, because technically people are right that it’s proof of his existence, and it is a message from him, but they misinterpret both of these things, because he is nothing more than the world’s most famous poltergeist, and his only message is “lol.”

Because I think he’s always felt threatened by me, I am often the target of Jesus’s pranks. Santa gets off easy because he lives at the North Pole and Jesus doesn’t like the cold, but my warren happens to be in one of Jesus’s favorite places to fuck with people: Florida.

And yeah, I could move, but I’ve got a sweet deal on rent and like 93 kids. Plus Jesus can go wherever — he’s a ghost — and he’s made it quite clear that he will always find me.

Here are just a few of the recent pranks Jesus has pulled:

  1. He took all of the eggs out of my basket — clearly I shouldn’t have put them all in that one, but it was my favorite basket — and made a giant omelet. I mean a GIANT fucking omelet.

boooobs mary magdalene had good boobs

I smite thy face

For fuck’s sake. I apologize for that. Jesus took my laptop.

OW! What the fuck Jesus?

I’m not hitting myself. That’s you using my paw to hit me.

OW! That’s it. Hold my laptop. I’m gonna beat this guy’s ass. But first let me end by saying happy Easter from me, The Easter Bunny.

and me Jesus! I rose from the dead and i’m in on your butt cheek

Once again, definitely did not rise from the dead. But that is him on your butt cheek.

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

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