Kirk Cameron is Right, Putting My Body in the Line of Gunfire to Protect Children is Part of My Left-Wing Agenda

Jen Freymond
3 min readJun 1, 2022

Ah, dang it. Kirk Cameron is right again. I can’t believe that guy hasn’t gotten raptured yet. Now he’s speaking truth to power about public schools. As a public school educator, I can’t stay quiet anymore. Everything we do in public schools is part of a vast and dark left-wing agenda.

I remember Kirk’s knowing grin in the poster I had of him on my wall as a pre-teen. I should have known from the carefree way he slung his ice skates over his shoulder that he was a prophet for our time. The left-wing agenda to keep kids alive and teach them stuff is strong. At our recent PTA/Antifa meeting, for example, George got up and talked about the new phonics program we’re implementing with kindergarteners. First of all, the gall of trying to teach kids to read anything but the bible is just, wow. But secondly, George is gay. Can you imagine? A gay in the schools, where your children are. A gay who spends his days teaching them basic skills and caring for them and counseling them and providing them clothing and food when necessary, and all he wants in return is respect and the freedom to be who he is. He’s clearly trying to recruit them to participate in the gay agenda of being educated members of society. Sexual chaos!

Since guns are now the number one cause of death among children in the United States, let’s talk about critical race theory. Wait, that can’t be right. But Kirk Cameron, known only for starring on a 1980s sitcom on which his best friend’s name was Boner (talk about sexual chaos!), thinks critical race theory is the problem, so that must be right.

The loony lefties are coming for your guns just because they don’t want people to be able to legally purchase a firearm, walk into a school, and murder multiple children and teachers. And let me tell you: The fact that teachers always sacrifice their own bodies in an attempt to protect said children from armed assholes (while police officers stand the fuck outside) is the greatest left-wing conspiracy of all. Just what are they trying to prove? Are these socialist teachers trying to replace Jesus Christ as the ultimate martyr? We on the right prefer to keep our martyrs on the cross and offer thoughts and prayers to the victims of our policies, thank you very much.

I wonder what Mike Seaver, Kirk Cameron’s role on Growing Pains, would have to say about all this. Probably something…

Jen Freymond

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond