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Lyrics John Mellencamp Considered Before Landing on “Suckin’ on a Chili Dog Outside the Tastee Freeze”
They’re shaped like dicks.
Sucklin’ on a big bratwurst
Outside the Burger King
Slurpin’ on some sausage links
Outside the Dairy Queen
Guzzlin’ down some churros
Outside the LL Bean
Gulpin’ up a corndog
Outside the Lean Cuisine
Gaggin’ on a popsicle
On the porch of Olive Garden
Eatin’ a banana…
Something something Jamba Juice?
Swallowin’ eclairs
They’re shaped like phalluses
Inhalin’ corn on the cob
Because it looks like a dick
Wolfin’ down some other food
That represents a penis
Oh I know, taquitos
Are those kind of dicklike?
Maybe macaroni
Because my dick is shaped weird
Look it’s not that weird
It’s a pretty common thing
Lots of dudes have dicks
Shaped like macaroni
Diane loves Jack anyway
Even though his cock is u-shaped
Diane’s not a bitch
She never calls Jack noodle dick
Unlike my ex-wife Cheryl
What a bitch
Diane knows it’s not his fault
It’s just a dick affliction
One time Cheryl brought it up in front of our friends
And it was like, hey Cheryl? Maybe let’s not talk about my dick at the table?
Fuckin’ Cheryl
She can suck on a chili dog
…
Wait that’s it
Jen Freymond is a writer, podcaster, mother, educator, and total jackass living in Olympia, WA. You can find her work all over the internet — McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Points in Case, The Offing, Little Old Lady Comedy, The Rumpus, P.S. I Love You, and more.
