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Marvel Cinematic Universe Haikus

Last week I embarked on a true hero’s journey by watching all 23 Marvel movies in a matter of four days. That’s right. I sat on my ass and avoided almost all sunshine or interaction with other humans in order to complete this task. Hero!

Why did I do this? It started because of a trivia league, but became a deep and heartfelt commitment.

I decided these movies needed to have 1–3 haikus written about them.

Warning: There are spoilers in this beautiful and poignant poetry. And for clarification, I watched these in chronological order based on when they happened in the Marvel universe, so that’s the order in which they’re written.

Captain America

Little guy gets big
Kills red Skeletor, loves girl
They don’t get to dance?!

Captain Marvel

Strong as hell woman
Girl, Jude Law? Always evil
Don’t fight wars, END THEM

Ironman

This one I have seen
Do I remember it? No.
Have to skip; No time!

(I went back and re-watched it because I felt that I needed the full experience, so: )

Crisis of conscience
Tony Stark is a changed man
Still kind of a dick

Ironman 2

Metal men fight, lots
Women are male fantasies
Everyone’s a douche

The Incredible Hulk

Not streaming for free
I’ll not spend money on this
Plus I heard it sucked?

(I went back and watched this one too.)

Well, I rented it
Woman is like wallpaper
I’m team Ruffalo

Thor

A boy is made king
His brother gets all butt hurt
Love and war ensue

Marvel’s the Avengers

Hey, the gang’s all here!
Loki’s the most interesting
Why all heroes white?

Ironman 3

A lot of good jokes
A kid! Ben Kingsley! Cheadle!
Damn, racism though

Tony realizes
The suit was just a cocoon
Pepper gets badass

Thor: The Dark World

Portals! It’s science.
You can’t converge THIS world, bitch!
LOKI!! Oh hell yeah.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Know whose lies you tell
Fuck imperialism
No one’s ever dead

Guardians of the Galaxy

This one’s very loud
I’m so tired of the fighting
Who is Peter’s dad??

Guardians of the Galaxy 2

Yes, makes perfect sense
His father is… a planet
Named, of course… Ego

Baby Groot. My heart.
Yes! I always loved Yondu!
Ohhh, poor Peter Quill.

An intermission haiku:

So many movies
I did have an edible
Makes ’em more awesome

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Spader murder bots
No match for my avengers
And some weird-ass twins

Ant-Man

Paul Rudd is Ant-Man
I am in love with Paul Rudd
That’s the whole haiku

Captain America: Civil War

Big anti-cop vibes
Black Panther! Lil’ Spidey-Man!
Friends and friends fight friends

Spider-Man: Homecoming

There’s one rule in life
Don’t piss off Michael Keaton
Love this lil’ Spidey!

Doctor Strange

Did I drop acid?
Ancient One… a white woman?
Ooh, they’re sorcerers!

Black Panther

“Guns, so primitive.”
“I thought you meant Coachella.”
I love these women.

A family fractured
The villain, but he was right
A hurt little boy

Wakanda’s not ours
My people steal everything
Wakanda’s NOT OURS

Thor: Ragnarok

Lots of muscley laughs
These people are now family
Thanos is coming

(in case you’re counting syllables, I pronounce muscley like “muss-lee,” and family like “fam-lee”)

Avengers: Infinity War

Thanos, you’re a dick
You killed Heimdall AND Loki
“Family can be tough”

They’re really ALL here!
So many hotties. I swoon.
Uh oh, half are dead.

Ant-Man and the Wasp

I said no money
But I had to rent this one
Paul Rudd is Ant-Man

Avengers: Endgame

It made me angry
But Cap finally got to dance
Yeah, I fucking cried

Spider-man: Far From Home

They did this so well
They capture adolescence
In the midst of war

MJ is perfect
Never trust Jake Gyllenhall!
I love this Spidey

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