In the book I just finished — Hollow Kingdom by Kira Jane Buxton — she refers to the “black tide.” It’s a metaphor for the depression the animal characters can sink into in their post-apocalyptic world. This isn’t a post-apocalyptic world quite yet, but the black tide is real, and I’m stuck in it.
I am, as I have always been, lost. This is especially true in the world of money-making and career-not-having, but applies to every second of every day of my life, except for the occasional and fleeting moments of joy or focus. When a contestant gets the Hollywood handshake on The Great British Baking Show, for example.
The black tide is a familiar presence in my life. Almost like a toxic friendship, or maybe exactly like that, in our codependence, the battles we engage in, my attempts to push it away but knowing it’ll be back.
It’s especially strong right now though, in no small part due to the fact that I am watching all the incredible folks I started my MSW program with almost 3 years ago finish their internships and graduate. I’m happy for them, I’m proud of them, and I feel an aching hole in my heart. The year I was supposed to start my second year of the program, I instead packed up and/or sold and/or donated all of my and my family’s shit, we sold our house in Seattle and moved into an RV for the school year. The plan was for that year to be a leave of absence and…
