The Candidates Share the Biggest Misconceptions About Them

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Who even is this guy?

For reference:

Moderator: What is the biggest misconception about you?

Biden: I actually have more hair than people think is the lesser of the hair I had, and that’s a misconception because I have the least hair of the more I thought I didn’t have.

Bloomberg: I am not all about money. Do I wipe my ass with money? Yes. Do I sometimes eat money? Yes. Am I a conservative piece of shit who bought my way into this race even though better, more qualified candidates like Julián Castro were forced to drop out before I even joined the race? Yes!

…What was the question?

Buttigieg: I guess the biggest misconception about me is that I’m not passionate. But I eat fruit all the time. Get it? Like passion fruit? You can tell by the jokes I make how passionate I am. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for AP history.

Klobuchar: I am not boring. I am the opposite of boring. There is nothing boring about me. I enjoy a lot of activities. My friends call me “not boring Amy.” They are always saying, “Oh look, here comes not boring Amy to get this party started.” And then I start the party. It’s a tea party with all my stuffed animals. And I’m including Mr. Wiggles when I say all. That guy is a troublemaker, and a boring person would not invite him because you never know what kind of shit he’s going to pull.

Sanders: These ideas I’ve presented are not radical. People think they’re radical. Having healthcare for everyone is not radical. You want to hear me get radical? Let me tell you about my favorite movie. It’s 1986’s “Rad.” It’s about BMX bikes and Lori Loughlin is in it. She was my favorite actress until she paid to get her kid into college. But you know, when I’m president she won’t have to do that because college will be free, and Lori Loughlin can return to being rad on her BMX bike. You want radical? Come out to the skatepark on Saturday. I’ll blow your mind. That’s a promise.

Steyer: Who? Who’s Steyer? Oh, that’s me! I guess the misconception people have is that I shouldn’t not not be in this race anymore.

Warren: People think I don’t eat very much but sister, let me tell you what I ate for lunch. I had two steaks, raw. I find that raw animal protein satisfies my appetite and my bloodlust, which a woman needs if she’s going to get elected in this country. Am I tough enough for you now America? I eat all the time. Heck, I’m eating right now! Eating up my competition! BOOM! Mic drop! Wait, do you *say* mic drop or just drop the mic? These mics don’t really drop anyway. You get it. I kick ass and Bloomberg’s a pile of shit.

Written by

Co-host of the podcast “I Never Saw That.” Humor writer and satirist. Find my work in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna, Little Old Lady, etc... Twitter: @jenfreymond

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