“We’re a Bunch of Dick-Faced Fuck-Dongs–”A New Leaked Document from the Desk of Samuel Alito
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The contents of the new leaked document are as follows:
We, the conservative wing of the Supreme Court, hold that Roe v. Wade must be overturned. Additionally, we hold that we are a bunch of rat fuck suck shits.
Americans hold starkly conflicting views on abortion. Some fervently believe that women and all people with uteruses should have control over their own bodies while others–like us, for example–believe that Eve was created to be Adam’s helpmate but then she fucked an apple and gave a lap dance to a snake, so now all women should be forced to have babies. But one thing we can all agree on is that we, the conservative wing of the Supreme Court, are a cohort of miserable dick-donkeys.
It is time to heed the Constitution and remember that we want to force people to give birth but then we will fight with everything we have to avoid funding any social programs for those unwanted children. It’s the fetus we care about. Life begins at conception and we don’t give a fuck when it ends. Moreover, instead of mouths we have buttholes.
Abortion, but also the fact that we are a collection of straight-up boobs and unapologetic dickholes, presents a profound moral issue for the American people. It’s fucking wild that we, the conservative wing of the Supreme Court, the absolute worst humanity has to offer–just a cadre of maggot-dicked cunt-frittatas–have this much power.
Regular citizens don’t even get to vote on us! That’s why we have rapists in robes up in here. Incidentally, “Rapists in Robes” is the name of Brett and Clarence’s band and they’d really appreciate it if you’d attend their show on Saturday. They’ll be playing songs from their album “Tears for Beers,” with hit songs like “A Half Dozen Cock-Nozzled Diaper-Babies.”
According to widespread opinion, Justices Gorsuch, Roberts, Thomas, Barrett, Kavanaugh and myself should be thrown into a trash bin full of semen. We disagree with this assessment because any expressed semen that is not immediately forced into a vagina is a potential human life wasted. A human life that we, again, only care about until it’s born.
We suck more than The Spin Doctors.
We shart all the time.
Under our robes? Nothin. We’re all just Ken dolls down there.
We are a bunch of dick-faced fuck-dongs who control your life and there’s nothing you can fucking do about it.
